Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Now, see Me.

...That's not who I am.

That moment.
When you realize you've messed up.
When you realize that place you haven't been in for years is now only a few seconds behind you.
All too familiar faces of guilt and shame come and sit beside you.
It feels righteous to stay seated beside them.
It feels like what you're supposed to do;
Feel guilty.
Beat yourself up.
Hold back.
For you couldn't possibly be justified to give anything of value in this position.
To not feel guilty.
To not beat yourself up.
To not hold back;
Would be a statement that you believe you are allowed to do anything you want.
That what you do, say, and think don't have consequences;
Don't have effect on anything or anyone.
That in order to rid yourself of sin, you must put your attention to it.
That if you take your attention away from it, you'll find yourself in it's midst again.
That feeling is strong.
So strong that even an intentional look away still somehow keeps a part of you in that place.
It's ingrained in us.
That guilt and shame and pulling back are a healthy part of the process.

But that whisper...
I hear it.
I hear Him.
Something different is on His lips.
It's counter.
And it, in many ways, actually feels wrong.
But I've known it to be true.
Known it in a place much deeper than feelings;
in a place more real than feelings.

Pulling back.
Child, you know these aren't Me.
If you are feeling these things it just means you're trying to deal with sin outside of Jesus.
Stand back up.
As far as the east is from the west;
I've already removed them from you.
Now, see Me.
Just like that?
Just like that.
But that can't be the right way to process this.  Without giving this enough attention I won't feel bad enough about it; I will find myself right back in that place.
The problem isn't being in that place.
It really has nothing to do with that.
Your heart simply hasn't been fully turned to Me. 
Just come be with Me.
Sitting in guilt and shame does nothing for you or for Me.

Stand back up.
I need you.
I know your heart.
I know who you are.
How you respond here sets a precedent for those to follow you.
I don't want the next generation to be stuck here.
Now, see Me.

Mark 5:7
How satisfied you are when you demonstrate tender mercy [merciful to forgive]! For tender mercy will be demonstrated to you.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Go back.

The thought will come.
And I'll immediately dismiss it.
Not wanting to again know the pain or experience the feeling of stupidity that came with the event.
The dismissing actually masquerading as wisdom.
I thought--
the dismissing equivalent to not dwelling there.
But He told me to look right at it.
He told me to go back to that place;
to that feeling.
I can't just run.
I can't just ignore.
In the running;
in the ignoring;
I'm running from the importance of that moment.
From the Lord in that moment.
"No," He says.
"Go back there."
"Go back to that place.  Find Me.
Begin to associate those hard feelings with Me.
You must look right. at. it.
Ignoring this will only force you to face it later."
I. Feel. Stupid.
I feel stupid all over again.
Going back there will make me not want to step out again.
Will make me not want to take risks.
Will make me favor not wanting to get it wrong and be stupid over possibly releasing You.
"What if it doesn't matter?
What if it doesn't matter if you're wrong?
What if each moment you're actually seeding something greater?
Go back.
Relive the feeling of stupidity.
Relive it right there in My presence.
Relive it knowing and seeing Me there.
Relive it aware."
We can no longer be afraid to look our feelings in the face.
To stand in their presence;
to feel;
and to see Him.
Stop running.
Go back.
The importance of each moment;
it's too great.
When we decide to look away from the hard thing;
the painful thing;
we miss Him.
He is right there in the center.
We think we are actually protecting ourselves.
We think we are being wise.
We think we are preventing ourselves frin getting down.
Instead we are doing the opposite.
Go back.
Go back to that place.
See Me.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

I am important

I can almost hear them.
Debating what to do.
They want to get to Jesus;
But the crowd is so thick, 
There's no space squeeze through.
The paraplegic, in his state of great need;
Consults with his friends, I should wait my turn. 
My need is no greater than anyones in there.
His friends see through his humble excuse.
You are important.
You are worth it.
You deserve the attention of the King.
He is reminded of his value.
Not greater than any of those inside;
But not less.
If he wants to see the King,
He will have the King.
They start creating a plan to get past the crowd.
All the while trying to reconcile the idea of, who am I to make my way to the front?
No; I am plenty worth it.
Just as worth it.
Then one of them had a genius yet ridiculous idea:
The roof.
They crawled their way onto the roof. 
They dug their way through the roof, through the tiles.
And they lowered the paraplegic and his mat,
Right into the middle of the crowd.
Right smack dab in front of Jesus.
For a brief second the doubt rolled in.
Wasn't this terriblly selfish of me?
Who am I to place myself right in front of Jesus?
Bypass the crowds?
Who am I to think myself in enough need?
Who am I to think myself important enough?
Just then, Jesus' eyes turned to him.
His attention, directed full on.
"My friend,"
The paraplegic felt His love.
"My friend, your sins are forgiven."
I am important.
I am worth it.
My need matters.
I matter.
It's not about who matters more.
It's about that I matter.
That I'm important.
Holding the attention of the King.