[insert perfect title here]

I've been avoiding reading the familiar story of Hannah and her struggle to have children. Just seems cliche. "You're having trouble having children, yea you should read about Hannah." ...maybe I'm just stubborn.  Well, I caved. Call it weakness or call it needing a break from Leviticus. Either way. I ended up here.

And guys.
This story.
Please.
Go read it.
1 Samuel 1-2.
Read it for the first time.
Read it for the 100th time.
Read it in a different translation.
Read it.

There's so many things I want to highlight.
It's just...so good.
I've never felt more understood.
Such strength.
Bravery.
Endurance.
Restoration.

1) Elkanah had two wives. Peninnah and Hannah. Peninnah had children. Hannah did not.

When you have difficulty getting pregnant you often have trouble emotionally being around children. And people with children. And conversations about children. And pregnancy announcements. Etc. You name it. You feel guilty that you feel this way. And deep down you are happy for people. And deep down you want to be openly happy for them and around them. But it is often just hard. I hear it time and again in the support groups I'm in. It is probably one of the biggest struggles. Thankfully the Father has really been my strength here that I have few hard days like this.

But Hannah. And Peninnah. Not only is Hannah around this one who has children while she doesn't. But this woman is the other wife. Can you imagine? How deeply that must pain Hannah. Hannah understood.

2) But her rival wife taunted her cruelly, rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her children.

Ladies in my support group constantly discuss experiences they have with people in their lives not understanding their situation and being insensitive. I haven't experienced this too much..I attribute it to the idea that people just don't know what they don't know, so you have to tell them. You can't expect them to understand if you don't make them aware. And so I try to talk pretty openly about things so people know and understand. As a result, I haven't experienced insensitivity..and if I have I'm convinced it's simply a runoff of something else in their own life that they are walking through themselves.

But Hannah. She was the prime example of experienced insensitivity. Peninnah taunted her. And not only that...yea go ahead and throw in, "God hasn't given you children." I'm sure Hannah was already wondering, "Why God? When? Ever?" I can't even imagine.

3) This went on year after year. Everytime she want to the sanctuary of God she could expect to be taunted.

Year. After year.
And in the sanctuary of God?
Honestly, it just seems unfair and cruel.

4) Hannah was reduced to tears. Hannah entered the sanctuary. Crushed in soul she prayed to God and cried and cried inconsolably.

It's hard. And it's okay to be hard.

5)  Oh God. If You'll take a good, hard look at my pain, if you'll quit neglecting me and go into action for me by giving me a son, I'll give him completely, unreservedly to You. I'll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.
I've been pouring out my heart. It's because I'm so desperately unhappy and in such pain that I've stayed here so long.

I...kind of think Hannah is crazy here. Not the pain and heartache..that part makes sense to me..but the offering of her son that she had asked for. I mean, keep reading. You'll see what I mean.

6) Hannah gets pregnant like right away after Eli essentially blesses her (HOLY AWESOME!) And Hannah weans her son Samuel and brings him back to the sanctuary where he will stay as she and Elkanah go back home. And it says the child was so young to be sent off.

What?! You finally have your son and now he's gone? I mean, yea, you're keeping your promise. But that was quite a bold promise. And Hannah says "I prayed for this child and God gave me what I asked for. And now I have dedicated him to God. He's dedicated to God for life." Then and there they worshiped God....I...don't know if I could do that.

And Elkanah and Hannah would make the annual trip to the sanctuary and see Samuel. Annual. Annually seeing her son that she so longed for. Hannah. You inspire me.

And just when you don't understand where this story is going. God steps in in His faithfulness. Again. In his faithfulness and love.

7) And Eli blessed Elkanah and Hannah.
"God give you children to replace this child you have dedicated to God."
God was most especially kind to Hannah. She had three more some and two daughters.

5 more children?! No children for years and years. And now 5 more. 6 total.

I am just so struck by His faithfulness.
By His love.
By restoration of all those years.
By Hannah's strength.
Yes strength even in tears and pain.
He sees.
He knows.
He understands.
He loves.
And He is good.

Here We Go

This is more for me than it is for you. It helps to talk about it.
To process it.
So if you're not interested that's okay.
If you are, then I'm happy to have you along for the ride.

Today we received our packages of meds for our first (and I'm so hoping only) IVF cycle.

I'm so scared.
I don't know how to express to you how much I'm not exaggerating.
This is the most scared I've ever been.

But I can't back out now.
These meds alone cost almost $6000.
And I don't waste money.
So we're in whether we like it or not.

It's hard not to sit and count how many needles they sent. These packages came with a total of 34 injections ready to pierce poke and prod. I don't mind a quick shot a the doctor's office. I wish these were that.

I'm also scared it won't work.
Scared I won't have enough eggs.
Scared we will go through all this and not even end up with an embryo to transfer.

Someone said recently (actually two someones) they were praying for a miracle for us.
For lots of eggs.
For a healthy embryo.
If you're reading this please join that prayer.
I know He can.
Because I know He loves us.
But I also know He loves us even if a miracle doesn't come in that way.
And for some reason that makes it hard for me to process.

So please just be with us.
Pray with us.
And right now, in the next two to three weeks I mainly need courage and hope.

I've been thinking a lot about the story of when the leaders go to scout out the land. Caleb and Joshua are a part of that group.

Numbers 13-14

God spoke to Moses: "Send out men to scout out the country of Canaan that I am giving to the People of Israel."

... When Moses sent them off to scout out Canaan, he said "Go up through the Negev And then into the hill country. Look the land over, see what it is like. Assess the people: Are they strong or weak? Are there few or many? Observe the land: Is it pleasant or harsh? Describe the towns where they live: Are they open camps or fortified with walls? And the soil: Is it fertile or barren? Are there forests? And try to bring back a sample of the produce that grows there-- this is the season for the first ripe grapes."

...When they arrived at the Eschol Valley they cut off a branch with a single cluster of grapes-- it took two men to carry it-- slung on a pole. They also picked some pomegranates and figs.

"We went to the land to which you sent us and, oh! It does flow with milk and honey! Just look at this fruit! The only thing is that the people who live there are fierce, their cities are huge and well-fortified. Worse yet we saw descendants of the giant Anak..."

Caleb interrupted, called for silence before Moses and said, "Let's go up and take the land-- now. We can do it." But the others said, "We can't attack those people; they're way stronger than we are." They spread scary rumors among the People of Israel. They said, "We scouted out the land from one end to the other-- it's a land that swallows people whole. Everybody we saw was huge. Why, we even saw the Nephilim giants. Alongside them we felt like grasshoppers. And they looked down on us as if we were grasshoppers."

Joshua said, "The land we walked through and scouted out is a very good land-- very good indeed. If God is pleased with us he will lead us into that land, a land that flows, as they say, with milk and honey. And he'll give it to us. Just don't repel against God! And don't be afraid of those people. Why, we'll have them for lunch! They have no protection and God is on our side. Don't be afraid of them!"

They were asked to scout out the land that He already planned on giving them. He asked them to assess what they saw. Not in order to decide whether or not to enter the land, but...I don't know I guess to be aware? And at the very least to see the fruit there. I mean, those grapes! Assess the land to determine reason to enter it. Not to determine reason to not enter it. "Let's go up and take the land now. We can do it!" Caleb and Joshua saw both the scary and the good and they still said yes. The fruit was worth conquering what needed conquered in the process of possessing what was already given to them.

And was it not to Joshua that Moses said, "Be strong. Take courage. You will enter the land with this people...God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; He won't leave you. Don't be intimadated. Don't worry."

Please be with us as we enter our land of parenthood. Love you all.