Here We Go

This is more for me than it is for you. It helps to talk about it.
To process it.
So if you're not interested that's okay.
If you are, then I'm happy to have you along for the ride.

Today we received our packages of meds for our first (and I'm so hoping only) IVF cycle.

I'm so scared.
I don't know how to express to you how much I'm not exaggerating.
This is the most scared I've ever been.

But I can't back out now.
These meds alone cost almost $6000.
And I don't waste money.
So we're in whether we like it or not.

It's hard not to sit and count how many needles they sent. These packages came with a total of 34 injections ready to pierce poke and prod. I don't mind a quick shot a the doctor's office. I wish these were that.

I'm also scared it won't work.
Scared I won't have enough eggs.
Scared we will go through all this and not even end up with an embryo to transfer.

Someone said recently (actually two someones) they were praying for a miracle for us.
For lots of eggs.
For a healthy embryo.
If you're reading this please join that prayer.
I know He can.
Because I know He loves us.
But I also know He loves us even if a miracle doesn't come in that way.
And for some reason that makes it hard for me to process.

So please just be with us.
Pray with us.
And right now, in the next two to three weeks I mainly need courage and hope.

I've been thinking a lot about the story of when the leaders go to scout out the land. Caleb and Joshua are a part of that group.

Numbers 13-14

God spoke to Moses: "Send out men to scout out the country of Canaan that I am giving to the People of Israel."

... When Moses sent them off to scout out Canaan, he said "Go up through the Negev And then into the hill country. Look the land over, see what it is like. Assess the people: Are they strong or weak? Are there few or many? Observe the land: Is it pleasant or harsh? Describe the towns where they live: Are they open camps or fortified with walls? And the soil: Is it fertile or barren? Are there forests? And try to bring back a sample of the produce that grows there-- this is the season for the first ripe grapes."

...When they arrived at the Eschol Valley they cut off a branch with a single cluster of grapes-- it took two men to carry it-- slung on a pole. They also picked some pomegranates and figs.

"We went to the land to which you sent us and, oh! It does flow with milk and honey! Just look at this fruit! The only thing is that the people who live there are fierce, their cities are huge and well-fortified. Worse yet we saw descendants of the giant Anak..."

Caleb interrupted, called for silence before Moses and said, "Let's go up and take the land-- now. We can do it." But the others said, "We can't attack those people; they're way stronger than we are." They spread scary rumors among the People of Israel. They said, "We scouted out the land from one end to the other-- it's a land that swallows people whole. Everybody we saw was huge. Why, we even saw the Nephilim giants. Alongside them we felt like grasshoppers. And they looked down on us as if we were grasshoppers."

Joshua said, "The land we walked through and scouted out is a very good land-- very good indeed. If God is pleased with us he will lead us into that land, a land that flows, as they say, with milk and honey. And he'll give it to us. Just don't repel against God! And don't be afraid of those people. Why, we'll have them for lunch! They have no protection and God is on our side. Don't be afraid of them!"

They were asked to scout out the land that He already planned on giving them. He asked them to assess what they saw. Not in order to decide whether or not to enter the land, but...I don't know I guess to be aware? And at the very least to see the fruit there. I mean, those grapes! Assess the land to determine reason to enter it. Not to determine reason to not enter it. "Let's go up and take the land now. We can do it!" Caleb and Joshua saw both the scary and the good and they still said yes. The fruit was worth conquering what needed conquered in the process of possessing what was already given to them.

And was it not to Joshua that Moses said, "Be strong. Take courage. You will enter the land with this people...God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; He won't leave you. Don't be intimadated. Don't worry."

Please be with us as we enter our land of parenthood. Love you all.