If you haven't listened to Bethany Dillon, you're missing out. I keep coming back to her in various seasons of life. I can't say that about many music artists.
"Heaven's battle-cry, RISE!
See the Son light what was hidden.
Heaven's heartbeat, see it moving, it's moving.
What was a whisper, is now...a voice calling out."
(A Voice Calling Out)
"I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe.
Look inside my heart, and be amazed.
I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough.
Just want to be...beautiful.
You make me worthy of love and beautiful...
You make me beautiful."
(Beautiful)
"I pour over pages, desperate to find out why,
The cripple at your table has what I'm longing to find.
Teach me how to hum it, because I don't know the words yet.
Help me see the light,
I'm reaching through the fight.
Yahweh, show me the Kingdom.
Arms open wide, death swallowed up by life.
Yahweh, show me the Kingdom."
(The Kingdom)
Monday, November 26, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
I AM... strong and courageous
------------------------------------------------------------
Moses is dead.
Why do you keep focusing on that part?
Joshua, it's time to go. Be strong and courageous.
------------------------------------------------------------
About a year ago, God impressed on my heart that there was a move coming. I believed it was a physical move. A physical move of our life to a different state, a different location. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about it. All I could think was, "We're not ready." "We need the people here." "Would God move us before we're ready?" "Did I not adequately prepare for this?" Anxious questions turned into pleas to not move us before we were ready, before we were prepared.
God asked me, "When did the Israelites move?"
The Israelites moved twice. They moved out of Egypt into the Wilderness. And they moved out of the Wilderness and into the Promised Land.
God said, "When did they move into the Promised Land?"
I studied it out, and the first thing I read about the move to the Promised Land was, "Moses is dead."
Hmm. Moses is dead. Not gonna lie, I didn't see what this had to do with anything. Eventually, some clarity rolled in. Moses is dead. Joshua's on board. An old season is over. A new season is ahead.
Regardless of seasons ending or beginning, this "move" was still not sitting well with me.
...
Now a year later, God speaks these same words to me.
I believe my first words to God in the current conversation were, "I know you like to 'come in a whisper,' but you're going to have to shout as loud as a hurricane for me to hear you on this one, cause I can't hear you."
God: You can hear me, you're just not listening.
Me: *moment of intentional listening*
God starts to speak. Without divulging all of the details, he eventually says, "That's what courage is. You can't have courage with something that is easy. Be strong and courageous."
Me: hmm.
God: Moses is dead.
FLASHBACK. We already had this conversation.
Me: Moses is dead. Moses is dead. Why does this phrase have such a connection to my heart. Why can't I let go of it? Moses is dead.
God: Why do you keep focusing on that part? "Moses is dead." Joshua, it's time to go. Be strong and courageous.
You see, I think there has been a plan for a move all along, but not a physical one. The Israelites move was a physical one (and a spiritual, emotional, etc. one). But my move isn't a physical move. I need to stop focusing on what's dead and instead, step into my "Joshua" role and have the strength and courage to take us to this next place. To lead with God into the Promised Land.
"Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go...only be strong and courageous." An unclaimed inheritance is awaiting me. I must go. I must be strong and courageous.
I am...strong and courageous.
Moses is dead.
Why do you keep focusing on that part?
Joshua, it's time to go. Be strong and courageous.
------------------------------------------------------------
About a year ago, God impressed on my heart that there was a move coming. I believed it was a physical move. A physical move of our life to a different state, a different location. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about it. All I could think was, "We're not ready." "We need the people here." "Would God move us before we're ready?" "Did I not adequately prepare for this?" Anxious questions turned into pleas to not move us before we were ready, before we were prepared.
God asked me, "When did the Israelites move?"
The Israelites moved twice. They moved out of Egypt into the Wilderness. And they moved out of the Wilderness and into the Promised Land.
God said, "When did they move into the Promised Land?"
I studied it out, and the first thing I read about the move to the Promised Land was, "Moses is dead."
Hmm. Moses is dead. Not gonna lie, I didn't see what this had to do with anything. Eventually, some clarity rolled in. Moses is dead. Joshua's on board. An old season is over. A new season is ahead.
Regardless of seasons ending or beginning, this "move" was still not sitting well with me.
...
Now a year later, God speaks these same words to me.
I believe my first words to God in the current conversation were, "I know you like to 'come in a whisper,' but you're going to have to shout as loud as a hurricane for me to hear you on this one, cause I can't hear you."
God: You can hear me, you're just not listening.
Me: *moment of intentional listening*
God starts to speak. Without divulging all of the details, he eventually says, "That's what courage is. You can't have courage with something that is easy. Be strong and courageous."
Me: hmm.
God: Moses is dead.
FLASHBACK. We already had this conversation.
Me: Moses is dead. Moses is dead. Why does this phrase have such a connection to my heart. Why can't I let go of it? Moses is dead.
God: Why do you keep focusing on that part? "Moses is dead." Joshua, it's time to go. Be strong and courageous.
You see, I think there has been a plan for a move all along, but not a physical one. The Israelites move was a physical one (and a spiritual, emotional, etc. one). But my move isn't a physical move. I need to stop focusing on what's dead and instead, step into my "Joshua" role and have the strength and courage to take us to this next place. To lead with God into the Promised Land.
"Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go...only be strong and courageous." An unclaimed inheritance is awaiting me. I must go. I must be strong and courageous.
I am...strong and courageous.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
We are...LOVED
I read this article today:
"I'm Christian, unless you're gay."
I don't necessarily know what I think about a lot of things, but there is one thing I do know...
God loves all of his creation. And I want all of his creation to KNOW it and FEEL it.
"I'm Christian, unless you're gay."
I don't necessarily know what I think about a lot of things, but there is one thing I do know...
God loves all of his creation. And I want all of his creation to KNOW it and FEEL it.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
I AM....interested in being interesting.
I wanted to title this, "I AM...interesting." Because, well, I am. But then, the reason I am writing today is to discuss a list of things I am interested in pursuing, but I'm not yet. So, when I look at the list at who I think I am truly to be, I think to myself, "wow I'm pretty interesting." And I am, but at present I am more interested in being interesting. Not for the sake of being interesting, but for the sake of wanting to pursue this list despite my many failed attempts. Confused yet?
Well, here's my list. ...here's my heart. Allow me to spill it out for you:
blogging.
learn spanish.
learn chinese.
get children's book published.
learn sign language.
have a tea party.
learn to play the violin.
be more active.
do orienteering competitions.
try out for a play.
drink lots of water.
write more neatly.
read more. for fun.
try letterboxing.
complete small tasks right away.
paint a big wall painting (if even on large butcher paper instead of an actual wall.)
decorate an awesome cake for someone who'd super want it.
create a math worksheet website.
play twister.
learn how to do math super fast in myhead.
take a graphic design class.
learn to swing dance.
keep my clothes cleaned up.
more regular intimacy with god.
treehouse.
clean house more regularly.
pursue husband more intentionally.
I have another list of things I "want to want" but, I figured this list was currently closer to my reach. What can I say, I'm currently more motivated by not as challenging goals. I'll cross that mountain or small hill when I'm ready. (This is me, not yet ready. Heck I don't even know if I'm truly ready to tackle this list.)
Some of these I have been tackling (and by some I mean like one or two.) But most have been either left untouched or left tried a few times and then my lack of motivation and discipline left them in a corner somewhere collecting dust. Does that mean I'm not truly interested in these things? Or am I going about it the wrong way? I feel rather elementary being stuck on those questions. As if that's something I should have figured out years ago. Hello. My name is Ashley and I'm trying this new thing where I'm being real with myself about where I'm currently at. And this is where I'm at.
I'm thinking I could be more motivated to complete certain tasks if I had someone going with me at the same time. Pursuing the same thing. So, if anyone is interested in being interesting in any of the areas above, let me know. We can walk together.
Well, here's my list. ...here's my heart. Allow me to spill it out for you:
blogging.
learn spanish.
learn chinese.
get children's book published.
learn sign language.
have a tea party.
learn to play the violin.
be more active.
do orienteering competitions.
try out for a play.
drink lots of water.
write more neatly.
read more. for fun.
try letterboxing.
complete small tasks right away.
paint a big wall painting (if even on large butcher paper instead of an actual wall.)
decorate an awesome cake for someone who'd super want it.
create a math worksheet website.
play twister.
learn how to do math super fast in myhead.
take a graphic design class.
learn to swing dance.
keep my clothes cleaned up.
more regular intimacy with god.
treehouse.
clean house more regularly.
pursue husband more intentionally.
I have another list of things I "want to want" but, I figured this list was currently closer to my reach. What can I say, I'm currently more motivated by not as challenging goals. I'll cross that mountain or small hill when I'm ready. (This is me, not yet ready. Heck I don't even know if I'm truly ready to tackle this list.)
Some of these I have been tackling (and by some I mean like one or two.) But most have been either left untouched or left tried a few times and then my lack of motivation and discipline left them in a corner somewhere collecting dust. Does that mean I'm not truly interested in these things? Or am I going about it the wrong way? I feel rather elementary being stuck on those questions. As if that's something I should have figured out years ago. Hello. My name is Ashley and I'm trying this new thing where I'm being real with myself about where I'm currently at. And this is where I'm at.
I'm thinking I could be more motivated to complete certain tasks if I had someone going with me at the same time. Pursuing the same thing. So, if anyone is interested in being interesting in any of the areas above, let me know. We can walk together.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I AM a fighter...
I love this song. I was longing to hear this song yesterday when I was needing to stay in a fighter mentality.
Let's review some of my fav. parts:
"A sea full of sharks and they all see blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I'm just summising
Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
I came to win
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
I came to win"
Good stuff.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I AM FREE...
It's been a hard year...
There is not much I like more than someone who's not afraid to say how they really feel, no matter how beautiful or ugly that may be. There are a few songs that I just cannot stop listening to because of this.
Listen to this Will Smith song...
It's the whole song that I LOVE. And I don't know if it's the rap genre that's doing if for me or what, but it's the following part that really makes me want to shout in celebration that someone is saying what many are thinking but don't want to say.
"Mmmmm, souls are captured
Dreams are stolen, hearts are broken
Evil blatantly rewarded
Hate surrenders, Love exalted
Hope elated, negativity is shorted
Why is the bomb always getting the last word
& why did her uncle have to molest her
& why did all them cops have to be shootin' to kill
& why did all them priests have to act so ill
Tell me why did James Byrd Jr. have to be touched
Tell me why did Malcolm & Martin depart from us
Tell me why did that sniper make the little boy shoot
& why does human life always denied for loot
Tell me why did Mandela have to live in a cage
Why did my brother Sterling have to die at that age
Tell me why did Reginald Denny deserve his fate
& why the f*@k can't love seem to defeat hate
Tell me why is it so hard for all the children to eat
Why did Pac & Biggie Smalls have to fall in the street
Tell me why did Jam Master Jay have to go that way
Please what am I supposed to say to my kids when they say 'Why?' "
And I'm sure you could come up with a theologically sound argument for why this shouldn't be my focus, or why I should think this way or do this or that. And quite honestly, there are times when I am simply not interested in being told that truth. Sometimes, I just need to feel. Sometimes I just need to be angry, to be questioning, to be pissed and frustrated that it seems things don't make any sense or that God isn't doing his part.
Another of my favorites...The Fray's "You Found Me."
I can relate. "I found God on the corner of 1st and Amastad. All alone, smoking his last cigarette. I said where have you been? He said ask anything...All I needed was a call. It never came...Where were You? Where were YOU?...Just a little late...I've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages. You never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve, taking all I want."
Time in prayer and bible study or really any independent time with God has been scarce the past 6 months. There was a desire down in my gut to partake in all of that, but it rarely manifested itself in reality.
It's been 7 months (?) since Matt has passed away. He was, I want to say, in his thirties. He had cancer. His wife and church body was a haven of hope and prayer and belief and faith. I never even began to believe in that kind of healing faith until I met this group. And amidst such a faith-filled body, I couldn't wrap my mind around his passing.
I'd read facebook status updates from his wife. She was taking it how any wife I'd imagine would take it. It was tough. It IS tough. My heart ached for her. My heart was heavy for her. I'd cry out my feelings of sadness and distress hoping that somehow she'd feel lighter in the process. It's not like him and I were super close, I supposed my pain was more me picking up on her pain, wanting to somehow ease a grieving wife's load.
Anytime I did spent with my Father those months was either me lifting his wife up in prayer or me being angered. Me not understanding this event and other similar events. Me feeling abandoned and unloved. Me not knowing how I could trust a God who "let this happen." I began building a wall. And it's not as if I didn't know this was happening, I was fully aware. I even said to God sometimes, "I know I'm building a wall. I'm sorry. I'm not ready to trust you yet. And that's just going to have to be okay." Yet all along something felt okay about my decision, something felt okay about my stubbornness. It's as if God was like, "Ashley, it's okay for you to feel this way. I understand this is hard. Take all the time you need. You go right ahead and feel, and I'll be here. I'll be here soaking in this time we are spending together. I just want to be with you even if all you have for me right now is negative thoughts." I didn't feel I could trust God, yet at the same time, I was fully able to trust that He'd be there waiting on the other side of that wall as soon as I was ready to tear it down.
I think God delights in this. Does he want us to stay down and upset and discouraged? No, absolutely not. His intention for the Israelites was never for them to be in the state they were in the desert for that long. At the same time, I think he delights in the relationship that is cultivated even through the hard conversations...and even if they are one-sided. He doesn't have to speak words to us to reveal his character.
And sometimes we need a revelation of character more than we do a reminder of what we're doing wrong or how we need to shape up.
God can tell me he loves me as much as he wants, in words. But until I can feel it, and know it with my heart, it really means nothing to me. My plea with God was that he'd quit telling me. Because I'd hear him say it. And my response, "I hear you. But honestly, I just don't feel it. And I know that's not everything, but it's something."
I can't really describe to you what happened the other Sunday when Randy and Steve came to WHO, but I know my heart was softened somehow. I feel like they got my message from God, that I wasn't feeling loved. And they relayed it to me. Not with words, but some other way. Their words later only confirmed what God showed me. I am free to feel. There is no condemnation, only love. God doesn't have expectations for me, but he is expectant and excited and joyed at where I'm going.
I want to feel. I don't want to stay there, but I want to have a revelation of God's character from my time there.
There is not much I like more than someone who's not afraid to say how they really feel, no matter how beautiful or ugly that may be. There are a few songs that I just cannot stop listening to because of this.
Listen to this Will Smith song...
It's the whole song that I LOVE. And I don't know if it's the rap genre that's doing if for me or what, but it's the following part that really makes me want to shout in celebration that someone is saying what many are thinking but don't want to say.
"Mmmmm, souls are captured
Dreams are stolen, hearts are broken
Evil blatantly rewarded
Hate surrenders, Love exalted
Hope elated, negativity is shorted
Why is the bomb always getting the last word
& why did her uncle have to molest her
& why did all them cops have to be shootin' to kill
& why did all them priests have to act so ill
Tell me why did James Byrd Jr. have to be touched
Tell me why did Malcolm & Martin depart from us
Tell me why did that sniper make the little boy shoot
& why does human life always denied for loot
Tell me why did Mandela have to live in a cage
Why did my brother Sterling have to die at that age
Tell me why did Reginald Denny deserve his fate
& why the f*@k can't love seem to defeat hate
Tell me why is it so hard for all the children to eat
Why did Pac & Biggie Smalls have to fall in the street
Tell me why did Jam Master Jay have to go that way
Please what am I supposed to say to my kids when they say 'Why?' "
And I'm sure you could come up with a theologically sound argument for why this shouldn't be my focus, or why I should think this way or do this or that. And quite honestly, there are times when I am simply not interested in being told that truth. Sometimes, I just need to feel. Sometimes I just need to be angry, to be questioning, to be pissed and frustrated that it seems things don't make any sense or that God isn't doing his part.
Another of my favorites...The Fray's "You Found Me."
I can relate. "I found God on the corner of 1st and Amastad. All alone, smoking his last cigarette. I said where have you been? He said ask anything...All I needed was a call. It never came...Where were You? Where were YOU?...Just a little late...I've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages. You never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve, taking all I want."
Time in prayer and bible study or really any independent time with God has been scarce the past 6 months. There was a desire down in my gut to partake in all of that, but it rarely manifested itself in reality.
It's been 7 months (?) since Matt has passed away. He was, I want to say, in his thirties. He had cancer. His wife and church body was a haven of hope and prayer and belief and faith. I never even began to believe in that kind of healing faith until I met this group. And amidst such a faith-filled body, I couldn't wrap my mind around his passing.
I'd read facebook status updates from his wife. She was taking it how any wife I'd imagine would take it. It was tough. It IS tough. My heart ached for her. My heart was heavy for her. I'd cry out my feelings of sadness and distress hoping that somehow she'd feel lighter in the process. It's not like him and I were super close, I supposed my pain was more me picking up on her pain, wanting to somehow ease a grieving wife's load.
Anytime I did spent with my Father those months was either me lifting his wife up in prayer or me being angered. Me not understanding this event and other similar events. Me feeling abandoned and unloved. Me not knowing how I could trust a God who "let this happen." I began building a wall. And it's not as if I didn't know this was happening, I was fully aware. I even said to God sometimes, "I know I'm building a wall. I'm sorry. I'm not ready to trust you yet. And that's just going to have to be okay." Yet all along something felt okay about my decision, something felt okay about my stubbornness. It's as if God was like, "Ashley, it's okay for you to feel this way. I understand this is hard. Take all the time you need. You go right ahead and feel, and I'll be here. I'll be here soaking in this time we are spending together. I just want to be with you even if all you have for me right now is negative thoughts." I didn't feel I could trust God, yet at the same time, I was fully able to trust that He'd be there waiting on the other side of that wall as soon as I was ready to tear it down.
I think God delights in this. Does he want us to stay down and upset and discouraged? No, absolutely not. His intention for the Israelites was never for them to be in the state they were in the desert for that long. At the same time, I think he delights in the relationship that is cultivated even through the hard conversations...and even if they are one-sided. He doesn't have to speak words to us to reveal his character.
And sometimes we need a revelation of character more than we do a reminder of what we're doing wrong or how we need to shape up.
God can tell me he loves me as much as he wants, in words. But until I can feel it, and know it with my heart, it really means nothing to me. My plea with God was that he'd quit telling me. Because I'd hear him say it. And my response, "I hear you. But honestly, I just don't feel it. And I know that's not everything, but it's something."
I can't really describe to you what happened the other Sunday when Randy and Steve came to WHO, but I know my heart was softened somehow. I feel like they got my message from God, that I wasn't feeling loved. And they relayed it to me. Not with words, but some other way. Their words later only confirmed what God showed me. I am free to feel. There is no condemnation, only love. God doesn't have expectations for me, but he is expectant and excited and joyed at where I'm going.
I want to feel. I don't want to stay there, but I want to have a revelation of God's character from my time there.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
You are beautiful...
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
I've heard these words before. But the first time I heard them not audibly, but from God...was, I don't know, about a year ago. It was during a difficult situation when I got caught up inside my head. And when I get caught up inside my head, the direction tends to go something like this: I'm down on myself, whining, complaining, feeling pity on little ol' me, and then God speaks truth to those lies that were taking over. And then the lies try to get another run, and then God speaks again. The number of back and forths vary, but eventually truth wins.
But when I first heard these words, I was upset thinking, "How does that have anything to do with this situation? Yea, sure, I may be beautiful, but I don't see how that is supposed to help. And I already know that I'm beautiful." Negative feelings about my outward appearance has never really been issue for me. So I shrugged the words off. I was able to get past the lies, but those words didn't seem to be part of that solution.
But situations in the future resulted in this same phrase. YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. I started to get pretty frustrated. Help is great but it should actually be...well, helpful. And this didn't seem to have anything to do with the situation.
Probably a good half a year later, it dawned on me. God wasn't speaking to my outward appearance. Sure I might be pretty high on the good-looking scale ;-) but that was not what He was talking about. He was speaking to me, my core, who I am. Something I hadn't been quite as confident about for some time. It wasn't the things I did, it wasn't something I had to try to be, I just was. I just am. Beautiful.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
I believe someone else needs to hear that. You don't have to try to be the beautiful you already are. That you always were. When you remember and dwell in that place of truth, your response to situations and lies that creep up on you won't last. They can't last.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
"There is none like you. No one else can touch my heart like you do. And I would search for all eternity...and find, there is none like you."
I know this song is meant to be one where us the children are speaking to the Father, but recently I heard it the other way around. I heard God speaking this over me. I was a little unsure if thinking of it this way was a bit conceited or not, but I think it's okay. And I think it is true. I believe our Father thinks about each of us this way. He says to me, "Ashley, there is NONE like you. NO ONE else can touch My heart like YOU do..."
He says the same to each of us.
"There is NONE like you. NO ONE else can touch My heart like YOU do. And I would search for ALL ETERNITY...and find, there is NONE like you."
You need to know that YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
I've heard these words before. But the first time I heard them not audibly, but from God...was, I don't know, about a year ago. It was during a difficult situation when I got caught up inside my head. And when I get caught up inside my head, the direction tends to go something like this: I'm down on myself, whining, complaining, feeling pity on little ol' me, and then God speaks truth to those lies that were taking over. And then the lies try to get another run, and then God speaks again. The number of back and forths vary, but eventually truth wins.
But when I first heard these words, I was upset thinking, "How does that have anything to do with this situation? Yea, sure, I may be beautiful, but I don't see how that is supposed to help. And I already know that I'm beautiful." Negative feelings about my outward appearance has never really been issue for me. So I shrugged the words off. I was able to get past the lies, but those words didn't seem to be part of that solution.
But situations in the future resulted in this same phrase. YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL. I started to get pretty frustrated. Help is great but it should actually be...well, helpful. And this didn't seem to have anything to do with the situation.
Probably a good half a year later, it dawned on me. God wasn't speaking to my outward appearance. Sure I might be pretty high on the good-looking scale ;-) but that was not what He was talking about. He was speaking to me, my core, who I am. Something I hadn't been quite as confident about for some time. It wasn't the things I did, it wasn't something I had to try to be, I just was. I just am. Beautiful.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
I believe someone else needs to hear that. You don't have to try to be the beautiful you already are. That you always were. When you remember and dwell in that place of truth, your response to situations and lies that creep up on you won't last. They can't last.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
"There is none like you. No one else can touch my heart like you do. And I would search for all eternity...and find, there is none like you."
I know this song is meant to be one where us the children are speaking to the Father, but recently I heard it the other way around. I heard God speaking this over me. I was a little unsure if thinking of it this way was a bit conceited or not, but I think it's okay. And I think it is true. I believe our Father thinks about each of us this way. He says to me, "Ashley, there is NONE like you. NO ONE else can touch My heart like YOU do..."
He says the same to each of us.
"There is NONE like you. NO ONE else can touch My heart like YOU do. And I would search for ALL ETERNITY...and find, there is NONE like you."
You need to know that YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.
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