Miracles

Among those who believe:

I don't think miracles were meant to be these grand events that we stand in awe over. 
I think they were meant to take care of a natural need so that we could move on to focus on higher things; 
on bigger things. 
They were meant to provide, as needed, while we are expanding. 
So we can expand. 

Miracles are easy. 

Jesus didn't have to do much of anything and sometimes literally nothing and they just happened. 

Have faith and let them happen so we can tackle the bigger things of the kingdom. 

Just like the disciples He must train us into this.

He must train us into miracles being the norm. 

Being easy.

And sometimes as we are learning we may hear Him encourage us forward,

"Oh you of little faith." 

And we will be reminded that we need not worry about the natural things.

For He provides. 

Naturally and miraculously. 

However needed.

We can and must move on and beyond. 

We must expand. 

There is so much more land to occupy.

Why do you worry?  

About what you will wear;

what you will eat;

what you will drink.

Oh you of little faith.

Your Father is with you.

Peter sees Jesus on the water.

Steps out of the boat.

Walks on the water.

Then begins to sink.

Oh you of little faith.

Your Father is with you.

Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

Oh crap, does that mean we should have brought bread with us?

Oh you of little faith.

Did I not just miraculously feed the 5 thousand?

Did I not just miraculously feed the 4 thousand?

And you are still worried about not having brought bread with you?

Oh you of little faith.

Your Father is with you.

Is your faith for the provision of these natural things not yet solidified in Him? 

Rather, concern yourselves with advancement of the kingdom.

With guarding against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees. 

Jesus, my child has a demon.

Your disciples could not cast it out.

Oh unbelieving and perverse generation.

How long shall I stay with you?

Oh you of little faith. 

With even the faith of a mustard seed,

you could tell this mountain to move.

And it would move.

These things are simple, my disciples.

You must learn them.

These things can no longer stand in the way.

We have bigger things to do.

Places to go.

Land to occupy.

We do not move the mountain for an awe factor among believers.

We move it because it's in the way.

The awe factor is in the work done after the mountain has been moved. 

So yes;

Have faith.

Move mountains.

Heal the sick.

Walk on water.

Feed thousands with a few loaves and fish.

And then dive deeper into the kingdom.

Advance the kingdom.

Woo hearts with My heart.

Love with My Love.

Here are the miracles I long to be among you.

Here are the miracles I long for you to see; to be.

Feelings

Feelings.

We all have them.

They come; they go.

High; low.

Good; bad.

Happy; sad.

Fulfilling; draining.

Fleeting feelings; persistent feelings.

Feelings that confirm and remind us who we are;

And feelings that try to convince us otherwise.

And if we try and might them to come and go as we desire

--they resist our efforts ever more strongly.

We fear if we let them stay

--they will eat us alive.

--they will bring us deeper into the pit we already dwell in.

But maybe;

Maybe if we let them stay;

Maybe if we let them stay, 

but don’t give them the floor;

Maybe if we let them stay, 

but don’t give them room to influence our responses;

Maybe if we let them stay, 

while we rest in Him;

…we will begin to reign.

…we will begin to rule our hearts.

Joy and peace are not dependent on our situation.

“How we are doing” is not dependent on how we are feeling.

Maybe if we let them stay, 

but don’t let them rule. 

Maybe if we live and operate out of who we are, 

right where we are, 

in the midst of the feelings 

(that are opposite of our identity);

Maybe we will learn their place and role.

Maybe we can allow them to teach us; 

mature us.

Maybe we can allow them to expand our awareness of ourselves; 

and of others; 

and of the Lord.

Maybe if we let them stay, 

we’ll find they won’t stay as long.

We’ll find that they get bored; 

starved; 

and that they move on.

We’ll find that they get frustrated and no longer fit.

We’ll find that their presence, 

or lack of presence,

Has no bearing on us.

No bearing on who we are.

No bearing on who others are.

No bearing on who the Lord is.

I don’t want to just make them go away.

I want to live abundantly amidst them;

I want to be taught; 

to be matured.

Nothing wasted; 

not even feelings.

Owl & Crown

Inside-- an empty room.

Windows filled with thick smoke.

Everything outside the room-- burning.

Inside-- it's just me and Him.

No more than a foot and a half tall.

Dark, perfect feathers.

Confident and bold stature. 

Piercing eyes.

Cocked head;

Intentional, slow, soft steps.

He looks at me.

Circles me.

Slowly.

Keeping His eyes on me.

My body turns

--as He circles behind me and I follow His gaze.

I'm not scared.

I'm not intimidated.

But I do feel the authority.

I do know the weight that He carries.

And my attention responds accordingly.

Crown upon His head.

He takes His crown off.

Places the crown on My head.

Spreads His wings out 

to the left and to the right.

Bows His head to the ground.

This is weighty.

He begins to climb upon My arm.

Talons steadying His ascent to My shoulder.

He turns to face forward as I am.

Side by side.

Next to Me.

Claiming Me.

His vision.

My vision.

Our vision.

We walk over to the window.

The smoke that once blocked all sight;

slowly begins to clear.

We gaze at the land outside.

Everything is burnt.

And it's beautiful.

It's Ours.

And already small buds and spots of green 

are beginning to appear in various places.

Son--this land is Your land.

This land is Our land.

Where I go.

He goes.

We go.

The crown is on My head.

I carry the authority.

He trusts Me.

May I not walk lightly.

I am...worth possessing

I've been here before.
So aware of my flaws,
that I almost live in those flaws in a place of constant awareness.
Oh that I would be more aware of the treasure in me.
So aware of my value,
That I would live in constant awareness of that treasure.
That I would stop seeing myself as a burden to you.
But as heavy valuable gold worth possessing.
I am worth your bearing with me in this season.
I am worth your discipline.  
I am worth your patience.
I am worth your love.
I am worth your seeing Him in me along the way.
Please;
Don't abandon me.
Don't discard of me among the rugged stones to be trampled on.
I belong in the lavish palaces along with the other sparkling gems.
And I'll make my way back there.
Leave the door unlocked.
Leave the window open.
Trust the Father with me.
Trust that He has rooted Himself in my heart.
And that He's just cleaning house;
spraying His perfume in every nook and cranny until the aroma never leaves.
Trust Him with me.
Trust that I am learning.
Trust that I am forward steady;
despite what my dramatic expressions may indicate.
I am worth it.
I am so worth it.
heavy. valuable. gold. --worth possessing.

He is... here

"Hey-- I'm here."

It's His voice.
I didn't initiate.
He did.
A reminder.
He knew;
He knew this place is uncomfortable for me;
scary.
So He reminded me-- He's here.

I hate being home alone.
I've always hated it.
Night time.
Alone.
My mind has the chance to wander to the "what ifs."
I've dwelt my fair share of days in the "what ifs."

This didn't develop overnight.
It developed over many many years.
Elementary school;
middle school;
high school;
college;
and to now.
There aren't many nights of being alone now.
One of the perks to being married.
But every once in a while,
I get the "opportunity" to be again.

I remember the many times in college when my roommate would leave for the weekend.
How scared I was.
I was intentional the only way I knew how.
I'd pray myself to sleep.
Would often take me hours.
I hoped it would eventually subside.
That the fear would lessen.
Has yet to be my experience.
I'm finding that,
The fear doesn't change.
Our response to it does.
Our persistent-intentional awareness, declaration, gut-knowing belief that we no longer remain a slave to it.
It doesn't have to change.
It doesn't have to leave.
It can stay, even.
And we can become so beautifully unaware of its being-there; arms length away.
Because we are so aware of Him.
So trusting of Him.
He wants to walk with us into that awareness.
Into that place in Him.
A place where we don't even have to pray ourselves to sleep;
only to have to do it again the next night.
Instead it's a constant reminder that-- He's here.
Always here.
Always trustworthy.
Whether we believe it or not.
Until we believe it.
Until it is a deep seated knowing in our spirits.
It's then,
that those words;
that reminder:
"Hey-- I'm here."
is enough.

I am...sourced in Him

I fear writing this as I don’t want to perpetuate the picture that many people have already painted of me:  

That math girl.

To be honest, it’s not my favorite picture.

Don’t get me wrong;

I love that part of me.

I love me some affirmation in that area.

And yet-- I don’t want to be known for that.

It limits me.

And it also has me responding by putting much undo pressure on myself. 

(I realize that’s not anyone else’s fault.  Rather it’s a long practiced response on my part.)

To perform.

To understand.

To be the best.

To be perfect.

Let’s face it—math is a DOING activity.

And I want my DO to come out of my BE.

I don’t want to just be the math girl.

 

So, at the risk of being misunderstood...

My relationship with math has always paralleled life for me.  

And this is how I see it:

 

Our relationship with learning difficult math (the math we are required to do at various times in life anyways) tells us a lot about how we approach life.

What is our attitude when we begin?

How do we respond when we don’t understand?

Do we keep going?

How do we respond when we STILL don’t understand?

Do we STILL keep going?

Do we ask for help?

Do we go in with an open mind when receiving help?

Do we feel stupid?

Is our confidence in ourselves shaken?

How much of a time commitment and investment are we willing to put forth to ‘get it’?

How much of an emotional commitment and investment are we willing to put forth to ‘get it’?

Are we striving for perfection?

Are we trying to just get by?

Are we looking to understand or just make the grade?

 

Things that are hard for me to hear:

The attitude that “I can’t do it” or “I couldn’t ever do that.”

The attitude that “It just comes easy to you, Ashley.”

It doesn’t always come easy.

In fact it usually doesn’t  (at the very least FEEL like it) comes easy.

It’s usually super frustrating.

It’s an emotional rollercoaster.

I often spend hours getting nowhere.

Followed by an hour or two of many tears.

When I say I can’t come out to play, it’s not that I don’t want to.

I do.

I SO do.

But I am aware that I have many more hours ahead of me that night—attempting to understand.

There’s no definite foreseeable end point.

Not just one more page to fill in writing, a final edit, and a complete paper.

Math is not more difficult necessarily.  Not really comparable if we accurately evaluate it.  

But different.

Recognizably different. 

It creates a different relationship with the material than most other subjects.

No, no definite foreseeable end point.

Other than a long awaited and hoped for opportunity to confidently write “QED.”

No measurable completeness of one more page.

Rather, pages of scratch paper.  

Pages of getting nowhere.

Pages of maybe getting somewhere.

Pages of SO close.

Pages of, “crap I so thought I had it until someone showed me how wrong I was.”

And then somewhere down the line—a potential answer, maybe.  

Hopefully.

Hopefully by the deadline.

Hopefully before my mind is jello and I’m forced to just lie down and give up for the night.

In hopes that my dreams will reveal the intricacies and perspectives of everything I couldn’t conjure up in my waking hours.

I truly believe I am mostly good at math.

Not because I’m just good, but because of how I’ve responded to it.

How I’ve responded to the difficulty.

True, there is likely some raw talent (particularly in my math rapping abilities) but there is much to be said for my practiced, intentional mathematical responses. 

Same is true for us in life. 

 

So now I’m back at it.

Learning more and new (to me) math.

How do I respond now?

I can’t say the first few weeks have been a pretty picnic.

I’m sure Trayer would testify to this, much to my embarrassment.

But it fiercely reminds me of my need to respond.  

Intentionally respond.

Lean into Him.

And respond from that place.

Well, if anyone was at Bible Study last Wednesday, you’ll remember us talking about just sneaking away with the Lord.

Mark used me as an example.  

People should be asking, “Where did Ashley go?”

She snuck away for 10 minutes.  
To be with Him.

This new math relationship has created an obvious need and opportunity to sneak away. 

Consistently.  

Daily. 

As my food.

And also during my teaching moments in responding.

Our responses must be trained to be sourced of Him.

We can't give up in a specific area when that specific area is an opportunity for the general. 

I don't know if I am to finish this degree. 

I don't know if the actual monetary investment is completely worth it in the natural. 

I don't know what it will all look like.

But I do know that this class, this semester, is for Him to draw me into my source of response. 

In math, and in life. 

We must be sourced of Him. 

In all things.

[and all, in the Greek, means all]

 

 

I am loving

I am switching how I do this.

I am loving--with no expectation of change.

I am loving--realizing I could continue to get hurt.

I am loving--realizing I could be hurt even more and bigger than before.

I am loving--where they're at. 

Right there in the midst of the thing I used to try to call them out of. Thinking that outside of that thing, would be the answer.

But no, the Father is right there in the the midst. 

In the midst is the answer.

No need to bring them out. 

Love them there. 

See them there. 

Let Him do the wooing out when they've tasted His love in the midst;

and their hunger rises.

They must encounter Him; His love.

We partner with what He is already doing.

Already doing --right there where they're at.

Taking them out of that would be taking them out of what He is doing in them. 

No, don't force them out-- Join them there.

Love them there.

Feast on what the Father is doing there. 

For it is good.

He is good.