Now, see Me.

...That's not who I am.

That moment.
When you realize you've messed up.
When you realize that place you haven't been in for years is now only a few seconds behind you.
All too familiar faces of guilt and shame come and sit beside you.
It feels righteous to stay seated beside them.
It feels like what you're supposed to do;
Feel guilty.
Beat yourself up.
Hold back.
For you couldn't possibly be justified to give anything of value in this position.
To not feel guilty.
To not beat yourself up.
To not hold back;
Would be a statement that you believe you are allowed to do anything you want.
That what you do, say, and think don't have consequences;
Don't have effect on anything or anyone.
That in order to rid yourself of sin, you must put your attention to it.
That if you take your attention away from it, you'll find yourself in it's midst again.
That feeling is strong.
So strong that even an intentional look away still somehow keeps a part of you in that place.
It's ingrained in us.
That guilt and shame and pulling back are a healthy part of the process.

But that whisper...
I hear it.
I hear Him.
Something different is on His lips.
It's counter.
And it, in many ways, actually feels wrong.
But I've known it to be true.
Known it in a place much deeper than feelings;
in a place more real than feelings.

Guilt.
Shame.
Pulling back.
Child, you know these aren't Me.
If you are feeling these things it just means you're trying to deal with sin outside of Jesus.
Stand back up.
As far as the east is from the west;
I've already removed them from you.
Now, see Me.
Just like that?
Just like that.
But that can't be the right way to process this.  Without giving this enough attention I won't feel bad enough about it; I will find myself right back in that place.
The problem isn't being in that place.
It really has nothing to do with that.
Your heart simply hasn't been fully turned to Me. 
Just come be with Me.
Sitting in guilt and shame does nothing for you or for Me.
Stand back up.
I need you.
I know your heart.
I know who you are.
How you respond here sets a precedent for those to follow you.
I don't want the next generation to be stuck here.
Now, see Me.










Mark 5:7
How satisfied you are when you demonstrate tender mercy [merciful to forgive]! For tender mercy will be demonstrated to you.

Go back.

The thought will come.
And I'll immediately dismiss it.
Not wanting to again know the pain or experience the feeling of stupidity that came with the event.
The dismissing actually masquerading as wisdom.
I thought--
the dismissing equivalent to not dwelling there.
But He told me to look right at it.
He told me to go back to that place;
to that feeling.
I can't just run.
I can't just ignore.
In the running;
in the ignoring;
I'm running from the importance of that moment.
From the Lord in that moment.
"No," He says.
"Go back there."
"Go back to that place.  Find Me.
Begin to associate those hard feelings with Me.
You must look right. at. it.
Ignoring this will only force you to face it later."
I. Feel. Stupid.
I feel stupid all over again.
Going back there will make me not want to step out again.
Will make me not want to take risks.
Will make me favor not wanting to get it wrong and be stupid over possibly releasing You.
"What if it doesn't matter?
What if it doesn't matter if you're wrong?
What if each moment you're actually seeding something greater?
Go back.
Relive the feeling of stupidity.
Relive it right there in My presence.
Relive it knowing and seeing Me there.
Relive it aware."
We can no longer be afraid to look our feelings in the face.
To stand in their presence;
to feel;
and to see Him.
Stop running.
Go back.
The importance of each moment;
it's too great.
When we decide to look away from the hard thing;
the painful thing;
we miss Him.
He is right there in the center.
We think we are actually protecting ourselves.
We think we are being wise.
We think we are preventing ourselves frin getting down.
Instead we are doing the opposite.
Go back.
Go back to that place.
See Me.

I am important

I can almost hear them.

Debating what to do.

They want to get to Jesus;

But the crowd is so thick, 

There's no space squeeze through.

The paraplegic, in his state of great need;

Consults with his friends, I should wait my turn. 

My need is no greater than anyones in there.

His friends see through his humble excuse.

No.

You are important.

You are worth it.

You deserve the attention of the King.

He is reminded of his value.

Not greater than any of those inside;

But not less.

If he wants to see the King,

He will have the King.

They start creating a plan to get past the crowd.

All the while trying to reconcile the idea of, who am I to make my way to the front?

No; I am plenty worth it.

Just as worth it.

Then one of them had a genius yet ridiculous idea:

The roof.

They crawled their way onto the roof. 

They dug their way through the roof, through the tiles.

And they lowered the paraplegic and his mat,

Right into the middle of the crowd.

Right smack dab in front of Jesus.

For a brief second the doubt rolled in.

Wasn't this terriblly selfish of me?

Who am I to place myself right in front of Jesus?

Bypass the crowds?

Who am I to think myself in enough need?

Who am I to think myself important enough?

Just then, Jesus' eyes turned to him.

His attention, directed full on.

"My friend,"

The paraplegic felt His love.

"My friend, your sins are forgiven."

I am important.

I am worth it.

My need matters.

I matter.

It's not about who matters more.

It's about that I matter.

That I'm important.

Worthy.

Valuable.

Holding the attention of the King.

This beauty that houses the Lord.

I used the word, "vision."
And I felt so stupid.
I felt like some wacko who believes aliens are walking among us and going to take over the world.

Like I see and talk to ghosts.
Like I was describing a foreign concept.
Like I was pressured to describe it differently;
Downplay how powerful and real my experience was;
Downplay how significant the object of your question is to me.
Why?
Because I'm afraid.
Afraid of what I'll look like.
Afraid of how others will see me.
Afraid of what they'll think.
Afraid they won't understand.
Afraid I'll be misunderstood.
Afraid I'll be identified as a Christian;
which means I'll be identified as a judgmental, bible pushing Jesus freak.
That's not me.
I love Jesus.
But it's real; raw; genuine.
It's beautiful.
It's different.
It's new.
It's not weird; it's beautiful.
I don't want to be misunderstood.
But I can't keep risking shutting up what's inside of me;
Cutting off a world that is so desparately hungry.
Whether they yet know they are hungry or not.
They are worth the risk.
The becoming of the Bride is worth the risk.
If I am perceived as weird and foreign;
if I'm misunderstood;
May the oddity that lingers be an opportunity for another to think on the Lord.
A seed of thought.
Not return void.
I pray they ask another question.

I pray they open another opportunity to expand my bravery.

I pray I see it.

I pray they allow me another chance to practice expressing my heart where Jesus and our beautiful Father reside.

I pray they knock;

Open my door;

And see.

May I learn to respond to hunger with the beauty that is me.

This beauty that houses the Lord.

I found Your Love in the open fields

The Father Himself.
Standing.
Holding the giant sheet above my head.
Above our heads.
Before, we held it up together as a body.
Before, we held it up and filled in when others were feeling unable to lift their hands to hold it.
But now;
Now, He holds it.
And Angels.
At every entrance to the house.
They are holding it.
And we are all dancing under it.
Free to go and be.
For we have greater things to do.
And we can't be concerned with holding this covering.
They will hold it for us.
And as we dance beneath His covering;
The Angels watch.
They learn of His heart from us.
They see more of Him then ever before as we are released in freedom;
Not concerned with the weight.
And He smiles;
Watching us in our freedom.
Watching His Angels watch us.
We dance in Him;
In freedom.
We realize how big the field is when we lower our hands;
And let go of the weight;
And grab a hold of Him.





There's no shame;
In looking like a fool.
When I give You what I can't keep;
And take a hold of You.

More than words.
More than good ideas.
I found Your Love in the open fields."

Oh may My heart be seen.
This Love [this Bride] that carries Me.

Alive in the dead places

Dead.
I don't know that dead is really always dead.
We feel dead.
We see dead.
But what we feel and see as dead perhaps is really just new life.
If we would only blink.
To reopen our eyes and stretch our hands out again to feel.
To realize.
To creatively reconstruct our perceptions.
To allow Him to come stand in our line of sight;
to realize He's always been in our line of sight.
To allow Him to come cover the space in front of our out-stretched hands;
to realize He's always covered every inch of space in front of our hands.
To become more aware that seeing and feeling Him is not always what we've understood.

When we feel like we have nothing to offer;
Because we feel dead;
Because we see only the hard things in front of us;
Because the only thing we can manage to allow out of our mouths is discussion of the current death;
Maybe that is the very thing we have to offer.
Maybe death is life.
Maybe when we present our current offering;
maybe He's wrapping that offering in Himself.
Maybe our dead things are wrapped in Him--in Life.

Maybe EVERYthing is Life.
If only we take off the shades of shame; guilt; and expectation.
Maybe it's not so much right and wrong;
but more-so opportunity.

Despise nothing.
Despise no thing.

Maybe death is just a place.
And no place will ever define us.
Life defines us.
He defines us.
No need for shame.
No need for guilt.
No need for expectation.
Life resides in every place.
Life resides in our perceived dead place.

No worries son.
Alive in the dead places.

I Am...His heart beating

It starts as a slow dance.

I have no reason to dance;

Nothing on my heart to express.

Nothing on my heart to pray for.

No reason to dance;

Other than I simply want to.

I simply tell Him I want to;

To meet me there.

As hands sweep from high to low;

Left to right;

Colors fly around the room;

Animated steamers.

I put them there.

I brought them.

My imagination;

My authority.

He watches.

Captivated by my joy in Him.

I don't know what it means.

It doesn't so much matter.

I simply crave Him.

My hunger drew me.

I ate of the feast always before me.

That familiar song comes on. 

That one I'm not so sure I fully agree with;

But the one my spirit just can't seem get enough of.

Still dancing.

He looks me directly in the eye.

His feet fall in step with mine.

Left foot.

Bump. Bump.

Right foot.

Bump. Bump.

Left foot. 

Bump. Bump.

Right foot.

Bump. Bump.

Again.

Bump. Bump.

Bump. Bump.

Continuing.

Bump. Bump.

Bump. Bump.

Eyes never disengaged.

Bump. Bump.

Bump. Bump.

He begins to give different sight to the familiar words.

"My heart beating.

My soul breathing.

I found My life;

When I laid it down.

Upward falling.

Spirit soaring.

I touched the sky;

When My knees hit the ground."

What we so often sang over Him He began to sing over us.

"My heart beating."

[you, son, are My heart beating]

"My soul breathing."

[you, son, are My soul breathing]

"I found My life when I laid it down."

[i found My life being made more full and complete in you, my son, when I laid    My life down on the cross in Jesus]

"Upward falling. Spirit soaring. I touched the sky when My knees hit the ground."

[i was made free in you, my son, when I came to the earth through My Son Jesus.]

Proud Daddy.

Eyes still fully engaged.

Tears streaming down His face.

Grinning from ear to ear.

Feet still fully in step with the dance.

Fully in step with the dancer.

KEEP GOING!!

Bump. Bump.

YESSS! KEEP! GOING!

Bump. Bump.

He keeps singing.

Bump. 

My heart beating.

Bump.

My soul breathing.

Bump.

My heart beating.

Bump.

My soul breathing.

Bump.

We are His heart beating...

Let this usher in what we know is to be among us.

I. Am. Yours. 

Health is in me.

Health is my inheritance.

Father, may You be glorified 

--in me.

--in this.

May I come through with renewed perspective and understanding of You in me. 

Of Health in me.

Let nothing be wasted.

All of You Father. 

I want all of You.

Build Yourself even bigger in me.

Fix my eyes on You.

Let nothing stand in the way of my effectiveness and advancing of Your kingdom.

You are known in me.

Give me energy and renew Health for me to vibrantly give of You in me.

Give me a miracle to usher in the miracles that should be following us as we walk. 

Let this usher in what we know is to be among us. 

Let us not go any longer sitting and waiting for what we know is ours.

It is time to expand.

It is time to stand up.

It is time to walk.

Let nothing stand in our way.

It is time for us to make room for these big things of You that we do not yet constantly experience. 

Let our understanding of what is normal now shift.

Let our sight now shift.

New normal.

Let our faith increase. 

Let our trust increase. 

May we not grow weary.

Spirits lifted. 

We are Yours.

Health will be known in fullness. 

May we not settle for less than whole.

It does not change our love.

It does not change our love.

A law does not change our love.

A law does not change how the kingdom advances.

Jesus, though he fulfilled the law;

His heart was not moved or influenced by its statements. 

He let it remain. 

He did not fight the law itself. 

He Loved.

He fought for hearts. 

He fought to woo hearts. 

Let us make sure our focus is as His was. 

The law is not our enemy.

Regardless of what it becomes. 

We continue to seek to influence hearts. 

We continue to seek to reveal the original design inside all.

Some may shift every so slightly from who they were originally designed to be; 

a shift from fullness. 

Some knowingly. 

Some not. 

Grace, Father. 

We will continue to be with you. 

And we will be here. 

Ready and prepared with room for you;

should you realize fullness is not as you thought.

You already occupy our hearts.  

Our position with you remains unchanged. --We love you. 

We hope and believe that eyes will be opened to the fullness inside of you. 

Your eyes.

And also the eyes of those who heartbreakingly condemn you.

May they see your fullness too.

It is so good. 

You are so good. 

I am not worried.

I am not frustrated. 

I am not mad. 

I simply want to sit at Home with you and eat a full meal, together.

May we simply be reminded to continue to call the original identities up and out of all our beautiful and treasured family near and far.  

Love is...

Love is honest.

Love is hard.

Love is iron;

Sharpens the dull.

Love it strips bare;

All the layers on the heart.

Love pours on wounds;

And stings to heal; restore all parts.

It doesn't pity.

Doesn't agree; 

Just to avoid spark.

--between you and me.

It doesn't settle;

Raises the bar.

Firm and unmoving;

With excellence its mark.

It gets in your face;

And tells you who you are.

Love has bruises.

Love has scars.

Cause Love is trusting.

Risking all of Love's heart.

Love has bruises.

Love has scars.

But Love doesn't see them:

Cause for Love it's worth it all.

Love. Love. Love.

Love is patient---

Love is kind.

Love won't force you.

Love knows your worth time.

Love is faithful.

Love it sees and it believes.

You are Love and Love He is in me.

Love has bruises.

Love has scars.

But Love doesn't see them.

Cause for Love it's worth it all.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Love won't force you.

Love lets you come in your own time.

Love. 

is. 

for. 

you.

Cause you're worth it.

You're worth it.

You're worth it.

You. 

are. 

worth.

it.

Love is patient.

Extreme-me. Extreme-you.

There are times when we dwell in a place that we know is not us.

And there are times when we reawaken to who we know we are;

Come alive again to ourselves.

And sometimes in those moments;

We become so alive to ourselves that we are extremes of ourselves.

It’s in the extremes that we can often walk away overly aware of how extreme-us missed the mark.

Unintentionally.

If not careful;

We will look at our having missed the mark and

We will declare ourselves as all of the negative:

Stupid.

Unwise.

Immature.

That paining after-the-fact thought, "What. Was. I. Thinking?"

Those moments when we did everything we thought to be right.

But leave feeling like we got it all wrong.

Feeling not good enough;

Because it was not for lack of trying.

Maybe we should cut off this extreme.

Be different.

Be more of something else.

And Father whispers:

Pay attention to how you are seeing.

See with your heart.

Because what I see—

It is beautiful.

I see a good and beautiful heart.

This negative you are seeing is simply your unawareness of need for others to balance you.

Be extreme-you.

And be extreme-you in the presence and awareness of your brothers and sisters who balance.

In your extreme-you, connect and love and be vulnerable and get close;

And let your brother and sister extreme-them assess with wisdom and discernment the moment to shift where shift is needed.

You don’t need to be different.

You don’t need to be more of something else.

You need to be extreme-you;

Extreme-you who is ever aware of the need of your extreme-brother and extreme-sister.

We must shift in each other's balance.

Trusting both each other and ourselves to harmonize in extremes. 

We can’t keep seeing each other’s extremes as something to be shaved off.

We can’t keep seeing each other’s extremes as offensive to our extremes.

We must learn how to operate with them together.

When the Lord tells me He trusts my heart;

He is really saying He trusts OUR heart.

Because in unity with my brothers and sisters, any gaps in my heart—
Are filled.

Because in unity with my brothers and sisters, any areas in me that are still maturing—

Are filled.

--If I let them be filled.

--If I let you balance me.
--If I let myself learn how to operate as extreme-me in the presence of all extreme-you.

He is...Rest

You have no idea what true Rest is.

You think it's a break from work;

A time to do nothing;

A time to sit;

Relax;

A break from the busyness;

A break from the stress;

From the constant go.

Only soon to discover--

You're bored.

There's not enough to do.

What do you do when there's nothing to do?

All the sudden--

An intentional decision "to rest" 

Leads to just a different form of unrest.

Your soul--

Left, again, unsatisfied.

So is Rest found in your doing?

So is Rest found in your not doing?

Yes.

Yes.

You sit and do nothing with Rest.

You work your 80 hour week with Rest.

Everything.

Always.

Rest.

You've done this before.

And I patiently wait for you to awaken to Me here.

I know you will.

You can only chase after fulfillment elsewhere for so long;

Until you realize it's in Me.

It's always in Me.

You'll be back.

You're hungry.

Come. 

You're thirsty.

Come.

Come to the Waters.

Come. Buy. Eat.

You know better than to spend money on what is not Bread.

You know better than to labor on what does not satisfy.

Listen.

Do you hear that?

Do you hear Me?

Listen.

Listen to Me.

Eat what is good.

And your soul will delight. 

Your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Get close to Me.

Stop trying to strategize your way out of this.
Or into this.
Planning.
Self-talk.
Reward system.
They all sound well and good.
Spiritual even.
But when they fail they bring you back around to disappointment.
To frustration.
To not being good enough.
To demotivation.
And I hate to see you sitting in that.
There's a better way.

You know this.
You've done this before.
Remember?
Remember when you had not yet overcome that past behavior?
Remember when you would try this method and that method?
Remember the boundaries you would set up for yourself?
Remember how time and again that failed?
Remember how you stopped trying to control behavior?
Remember how you began to just be...with Me.
Learning Me.
Still stumbling along the way.
But beautifully stumbling.
Stumbling less and less
as being in My presence began to sync your heartbeat with Mine.
Because it was never about behavior management.
The source of the problem is never the behavior.
The source is always not enough face-time with Me.
The source is not knowing My heart.
The source is distance.
Get close to Me.
Get close.
And those behaviors will begin to no longer fit.
You won't have to try to stop them.
You will, instead, not want them.
Get close to Me.
Get close.
And eventually you won't have to try to be something you want to be.
All of Me in you will simply burst forth.
More and more.
You won't be able to hold it in if you wanted to.
That's what a heart close to Mine looks like.
Get close to Me.
Get close.
Get so close.
Soak Me in.
Wake up.
With an empty stomach.
Eyes set on the buffet before you.
And run to be the first in line to fill your plate.
Get close to Me.
Get close.
It's simple.
Get close to Me.

Miracles

Among those who believe:

I don't think miracles were meant to be these grand events that we stand in awe over. 
I think they were meant to take care of a natural need so that we could move on to focus on higher things; 
on bigger things. 
They were meant to provide, as needed, while we are expanding. 
So we can expand. 

Miracles are easy. 

Jesus didn't have to do much of anything and sometimes literally nothing and they just happened. 

Have faith and let them happen so we can tackle the bigger things of the kingdom. 

Just like the disciples He must train us into this.

He must train us into miracles being the norm. 

Being easy.

And sometimes as we are learning we may hear Him encourage us forward,

"Oh you of little faith." 

And we will be reminded that we need not worry about the natural things.

For He provides. 

Naturally and miraculously. 

However needed.

We can and must move on and beyond. 

We must expand. 

There is so much more land to occupy.

Why do you worry?  

About what you will wear;

what you will eat;

what you will drink.

Oh you of little faith.

Your Father is with you.

Peter sees Jesus on the water.

Steps out of the boat.

Walks on the water.

Then begins to sink.

Oh you of little faith.

Your Father is with you.

Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

Oh crap, does that mean we should have brought bread with us?

Oh you of little faith.

Did I not just miraculously feed the 5 thousand?

Did I not just miraculously feed the 4 thousand?

And you are still worried about not having brought bread with you?

Oh you of little faith.

Your Father is with you.

Is your faith for the provision of these natural things not yet solidified in Him? 

Rather, concern yourselves with advancement of the kingdom.

With guarding against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees. 

Jesus, my child has a demon.

Your disciples could not cast it out.

Oh unbelieving and perverse generation.

How long shall I stay with you?

Oh you of little faith. 

With even the faith of a mustard seed,

you could tell this mountain to move.

And it would move.

These things are simple, my disciples.

You must learn them.

These things can no longer stand in the way.

We have bigger things to do.

Places to go.

Land to occupy.

We do not move the mountain for an awe factor among believers.

We move it because it's in the way.

The awe factor is in the work done after the mountain has been moved. 

So yes;

Have faith.

Move mountains.

Heal the sick.

Walk on water.

Feed thousands with a few loaves and fish.

And then dive deeper into the kingdom.

Advance the kingdom.

Woo hearts with My heart.

Love with My Love.

Here are the miracles I long to be among you.

Here are the miracles I long for you to see; to be.

Feelings

Feelings.

We all have them.

They come; they go.

High; low.

Good; bad.

Happy; sad.

Fulfilling; draining.

Fleeting feelings; persistent feelings.

Feelings that confirm and remind us who we are;

And feelings that try to convince us otherwise.

And if we try and might them to come and go as we desire

--they resist our efforts ever more strongly.

We fear if we let them stay

--they will eat us alive.

--they will bring us deeper into the pit we already dwell in.

But maybe;

Maybe if we let them stay;

Maybe if we let them stay, 

but don’t give them the floor;

Maybe if we let them stay, 

but don’t give them room to influence our responses;

Maybe if we let them stay, 

while we rest in Him;

…we will begin to reign.

…we will begin to rule our hearts.

Joy and peace are not dependent on our situation.

“How we are doing” is not dependent on how we are feeling.

Maybe if we let them stay, 

but don’t let them rule. 

Maybe if we live and operate out of who we are, 

right where we are, 

in the midst of the feelings 

(that are opposite of our identity);

Maybe we will learn their place and role.

Maybe we can allow them to teach us; 

mature us.

Maybe we can allow them to expand our awareness of ourselves; 

and of others; 

and of the Lord.

Maybe if we let them stay, 

we’ll find they won’t stay as long.

We’ll find that they get bored; 

starved; 

and that they move on.

We’ll find that they get frustrated and no longer fit.

We’ll find that their presence, 

or lack of presence,

Has no bearing on us.

No bearing on who we are.

No bearing on who others are.

No bearing on who the Lord is.

I don’t want to just make them go away.

I want to live abundantly amidst them;

I want to be taught; 

to be matured.

Nothing wasted; 

not even feelings.

Owl & Crown

Inside-- an empty room.

Windows filled with thick smoke.

Everything outside the room-- burning.

Inside-- it's just me and Him.

No more than a foot and a half tall.

Dark, perfect feathers.

Confident and bold stature. 

Piercing eyes.

Cocked head;

Intentional, slow, soft steps.

He looks at me.

Circles me.

Slowly.

Keeping His eyes on me.

My body turns

--as He circles behind me and I follow His gaze.

I'm not scared.

I'm not intimidated.

But I do feel the authority.

I do know the weight that He carries.

And my attention responds accordingly.

Crown upon His head.

He takes His crown off.

Places the crown on My head.

Spreads His wings out 

to the left and to the right.

Bows His head to the ground.

This is weighty.

He begins to climb upon My arm.

Talons steadying His ascent to My shoulder.

He turns to face forward as I am.

Side by side.

Next to Me.

Claiming Me.

His vision.

My vision.

Our vision.

We walk over to the window.

The smoke that once blocked all sight;

slowly begins to clear.

We gaze at the land outside.

Everything is burnt.

And it's beautiful.

It's Ours.

And already small buds and spots of green 

are beginning to appear in various places.

Son--this land is Your land.

This land is Our land.

Where I go.

He goes.

We go.

The crown is on My head.

I carry the authority.

He trusts Me.

May I not walk lightly.

I am...worth possessing

I've been here before.
So aware of my flaws,
that I almost live in those flaws in a place of constant awareness.
Oh that I would be more aware of the treasure in me.
So aware of my value,
That I would live in constant awareness of that treasure.
That I would stop seeing myself as a burden to you.
But as heavy valuable gold worth possessing.
I am worth your bearing with me in this season.
I am worth your discipline.  
I am worth your patience.
I am worth your love.
I am worth your seeing Him in me along the way.
Please;
Don't abandon me.
Don't discard of me among the rugged stones to be trampled on.
I belong in the lavish palaces along with the other sparkling gems.
And I'll make my way back there.
Leave the door unlocked.
Leave the window open.
Trust the Father with me.
Trust that He has rooted Himself in my heart.
And that He's just cleaning house;
spraying His perfume in every nook and cranny until the aroma never leaves.
Trust Him with me.
Trust that I am learning.
Trust that I am forward steady;
despite what my dramatic expressions may indicate.
I am worth it.
I am so worth it.
heavy. valuable. gold. --worth possessing.

He is... here

"Hey-- I'm here."

It's His voice.
I didn't initiate.
He did.
A reminder.
He knew;
He knew this place is uncomfortable for me;
scary.
So He reminded me-- He's here.

I hate being home alone.
I've always hated it.
Night time.
Alone.
My mind has the chance to wander to the "what ifs."
I've dwelt my fair share of days in the "what ifs."

This didn't develop overnight.
It developed over many many years.
Elementary school;
middle school;
high school;
college;
and to now.
There aren't many nights of being alone now.
One of the perks to being married.
But every once in a while,
I get the "opportunity" to be again.

I remember the many times in college when my roommate would leave for the weekend.
How scared I was.
I was intentional the only way I knew how.
I'd pray myself to sleep.
Would often take me hours.
I hoped it would eventually subside.
That the fear would lessen.
Has yet to be my experience.
I'm finding that,
The fear doesn't change.
Our response to it does.
Our persistent-intentional awareness, declaration, gut-knowing belief that we no longer remain a slave to it.
It doesn't have to change.
It doesn't have to leave.
It can stay, even.
And we can become so beautifully unaware of its being-there; arms length away.
Because we are so aware of Him.
So trusting of Him.
He wants to walk with us into that awareness.
Into that place in Him.
A place where we don't even have to pray ourselves to sleep;
only to have to do it again the next night.
Instead it's a constant reminder that-- He's here.
Always here.
Always trustworthy.
Whether we believe it or not.
Until we believe it.
Until it is a deep seated knowing in our spirits.
It's then,
that those words;
that reminder:
"Hey-- I'm here."
is enough.

I am...sourced in Him

I fear writing this as I don’t want to perpetuate the picture that many people have already painted of me:  

That math girl.

To be honest, it’s not my favorite picture.

Don’t get me wrong;

I love that part of me.

I love me some affirmation in that area.

And yet-- I don’t want to be known for that.

It limits me.

And it also has me responding by putting much undo pressure on myself. 

(I realize that’s not anyone else’s fault.  Rather it’s a long practiced response on my part.)

To perform.

To understand.

To be the best.

To be perfect.

Let’s face it—math is a DOING activity.

And I want my DO to come out of my BE.

I don’t want to just be the math girl.

 

So, at the risk of being misunderstood...

My relationship with math has always paralleled life for me.  

And this is how I see it:

 

Our relationship with learning difficult math (the math we are required to do at various times in life anyways) tells us a lot about how we approach life.

What is our attitude when we begin?

How do we respond when we don’t understand?

Do we keep going?

How do we respond when we STILL don’t understand?

Do we STILL keep going?

Do we ask for help?

Do we go in with an open mind when receiving help?

Do we feel stupid?

Is our confidence in ourselves shaken?

How much of a time commitment and investment are we willing to put forth to ‘get it’?

How much of an emotional commitment and investment are we willing to put forth to ‘get it’?

Are we striving for perfection?

Are we trying to just get by?

Are we looking to understand or just make the grade?

 

Things that are hard for me to hear:

The attitude that “I can’t do it” or “I couldn’t ever do that.”

The attitude that “It just comes easy to you, Ashley.”

It doesn’t always come easy.

In fact it usually doesn’t  (at the very least FEEL like it) comes easy.

It’s usually super frustrating.

It’s an emotional rollercoaster.

I often spend hours getting nowhere.

Followed by an hour or two of many tears.

When I say I can’t come out to play, it’s not that I don’t want to.

I do.

I SO do.

But I am aware that I have many more hours ahead of me that night—attempting to understand.

There’s no definite foreseeable end point.

Not just one more page to fill in writing, a final edit, and a complete paper.

Math is not more difficult necessarily.  Not really comparable if we accurately evaluate it.  

But different.

Recognizably different. 

It creates a different relationship with the material than most other subjects.

No, no definite foreseeable end point.

Other than a long awaited and hoped for opportunity to confidently write “QED.”

No measurable completeness of one more page.

Rather, pages of scratch paper.  

Pages of getting nowhere.

Pages of maybe getting somewhere.

Pages of SO close.

Pages of, “crap I so thought I had it until someone showed me how wrong I was.”

And then somewhere down the line—a potential answer, maybe.  

Hopefully.

Hopefully by the deadline.

Hopefully before my mind is jello and I’m forced to just lie down and give up for the night.

In hopes that my dreams will reveal the intricacies and perspectives of everything I couldn’t conjure up in my waking hours.

I truly believe I am mostly good at math.

Not because I’m just good, but because of how I’ve responded to it.

How I’ve responded to the difficulty.

True, there is likely some raw talent (particularly in my math rapping abilities) but there is much to be said for my practiced, intentional mathematical responses. 

Same is true for us in life. 

 

So now I’m back at it.

Learning more and new (to me) math.

How do I respond now?

I can’t say the first few weeks have been a pretty picnic.

I’m sure Trayer would testify to this, much to my embarrassment.

But it fiercely reminds me of my need to respond.  

Intentionally respond.

Lean into Him.

And respond from that place.

Well, if anyone was at Bible Study last Wednesday, you’ll remember us talking about just sneaking away with the Lord.

Mark used me as an example.  

People should be asking, “Where did Ashley go?”

She snuck away for 10 minutes.  
To be with Him.

This new math relationship has created an obvious need and opportunity to sneak away. 

Consistently.  

Daily. 

As my food.

And also during my teaching moments in responding.

Our responses must be trained to be sourced of Him.

We can't give up in a specific area when that specific area is an opportunity for the general. 

I don't know if I am to finish this degree. 

I don't know if the actual monetary investment is completely worth it in the natural. 

I don't know what it will all look like.

But I do know that this class, this semester, is for Him to draw me into my source of response. 

In math, and in life. 

We must be sourced of Him. 

In all things.

[and all, in the Greek, means all]